MuSiC oF mY LiFe

~~Monday, March 31, 2008~~

Hey. About time i leave another mark. Away for almost a month. Lots have happened, both good and bad. I have been wanting to make a post, but i cant think of a way to start of, after such a long time.

Foremost, thanks to ALL who came for the NTU guitar concert. I was really really glad with the response. It was really a great success to have all of u down to share the moment with me and my fellow club pple. Just to share the extend of gratefulness i have for u all, about 70+ of u all, my good frens came. That is excluding those of u who cant make it on the actual day but bought tickets. I cant imagine the concert without u all.

I have always been in this area of performing arts and I guess this one concert is an impactful one. U know, I tot organizing events in NP was tough, but till i experienced this project then i realised that the world is big out there. haha. Its T-O-U-G-H-E-R here. I guess being a high-achiever added more stress to all under me as well. I know my character and I set high aims. Gave many pple stress along the way but i just wanted things to go well. To cut this part short, i sincerely thank my committee for doing their part, u all noe who u are. =)

I guess i'm sorta in a dilemma now. Doing well in things that i want to and for particular purposes have always been my..character. Initially starting of as someone who didn't wanted to give up guitar, someone who wanted to earn pts to stay in hall, and having such a purpose in mind, joined this club and ran for committee to be Nocturne Pres. Through the process, shit happened, pile after pile. Even till the day of concert, i was ever constantly reaffirming myself that the concert would mark the end of all my nonsense. The end of my taxing journey of cda work. I decided to quit the club and let the concert leave a nice mark. However, the pple in GE just made me realise soon after..that things weren't so simple after all.

I heard rumours that the preceding successor of the club might b me. I was afraid. Not for the post, not for the duty, but for the faith they had in me. I wanted out.

On a post-event where we meet up for some food and viewing of the concert video, the club had a voting. I was in it. I told fellow mates that i wanted to quit and their expressions were unforgettable. The results were tallied and i got most of the votes as Pres. I was confused. I was flattered. Much too flattered.

P and VP pulled me aside to talk, and i couldnt give an ans. I didn't want to. It just wasn't fair. I worked so hard for a rest and now to carry an even heavier load? It just wasn't wad i expected. Many came over to congratulate me and i could only managed a smile. I went drinking at the playground after with a few..cos i needed some time.

REached back hostel at like 4+am? And the moment i got online after washing up, pple started finding me on msn, sms, etc. Words just kept flowing in. "U deserve it.", "U r really a great leader", yada yada yada. Thanks alot. I really dun need this now...

My stand still stayed, until when i hear bigger news, then i just wavered..some kept telling me how thrilled they are..how glad they were...how much they anticipate the next pract etc..and i just wanted out even more. i told them i may nt do it after all. And some revealed that they wanted to quit after the concert too, but upon knowing i m the pres, they decided to stay cos the bond tgr is too great to break. Some said they will come for pract more, be more involved, cos they wanna support me thru' it.. some said they are willing to help in 1 way or another...just so we can work tgr to give GE an even better shot next year. One reckon to join the club, cos the experience with me and rest in the club seems interesting enough to make her wanna be a part of this.

wow. i m, speechless. 1 of my weakness is human relationships. I cant pretend as much as i would like to ignore all these and cont. with my life. Its not me alone. Someone foresee such things would happen but i refuse to admit it and now i m just like..stunned. its nv in MY plan. I requested a few days to think over, and my deadline's up, still couldnt get an ans. that i m satisfied myself. My mind tells me that i shld just love myself a lil' more and get on with my life, improving my grades, conc on my work and leave more time for frens and family. BUt my heart also feel for these pple out there. Being a normal member seems fine in the club, but would they really allow me to do that? If i still stay, they might as well want me to run it. BUt..y the torture. The post is nowhere near "glorious", i just dun wan all the good things i see in GE to break away. OK, i admit it, i cant bear to see the club slowly tearing away, not becos of me, but becos a group of pple who can mix well will slowly pull more pple tgr..and the circle expands. But once they disintergrate...the rest will drift too. argh.

wad someone say is right. The ans. is pretty much clear cut. Yes or No. I shld NOT be thinking of things like "if GE falls apart, or return back to the stage whereby pple are hostile and etc, it will become v 可惜". if i think it that way, my ans is obvious, i will say yes. I just need to think if i want it. But that way, its obvious too, the ans is no. Shucks.

Anyway, just a happy note. My sis is offically MARRIED! I will blog abt that again in the next post. With pictures and all. wad i want to say is, its a new beginning for her and i wish her all the best. It was a hell load of experience i had, and its like once in a lifetime and it was a blast. next time bahz. haha.

Need to get back to study. Midterm exam on wed and thur. still haven really start. sian. ciaoz.

"u braved the storms with a breeze."

11:34 PM

~~Thursday, March 06, 2008~~

i feel like a superwoman now, 1 without wings, but still super.

physics test was gruelling. haha. 10 MCQ qns. see 1st qn, forgot all formulas. brain-blocked. skipped. 2nd qn, skipped. 3rd, skipped. just like tt. UNTIL i found 1qn tt i can do. Duno y its mcq anyway, cos all are working qns. Meaning need to work a series of steps den get ans. so..might as well structured rite, get working marks. lol. In any case, i just picked my fav. alphabets n shaded it. Left the test hall early.

went for pract, and as usual till late. tml's maths. not much confidence. But feeling so calm, at least for this moment. Duno y. Think the heart has died. my mind's full rite now. been multi-tasking recently. yest's pract, i conducted small grp and special grp and also asked my publicity guy to come over for me to amend the booklet. then study + msn-ing concert discussions + etc etc. so its always activities happening simultaneously. haha.

tml gonna go for test, den chiong to city hall meet 3 different pple pass tix. Thanks for buying! And rush back for project discussion, then to practice (grilling session now) and hopefully can meet my special grp for more pract. lol. think i m mad. feel like splitting myself up so my "parts" can run along to different places and do different things cos i tink i can coordinate them. i just need to be doing more things at a time. haha.

fri fri...hmm..i cant wait. cos its gonna be end of the week. Duno if i shld go work. PS boss like more than 5 times. Sounds bad. But...i really need my lil' rest. how?

Overheard something during today's practice today. Hopefully this news issit true. nth to do with concert. But i hope this news is a hoax. or else i would be put in a spot. which i dun wan to, cos i noe my decision and it will just make things more obvious. haha.

FYI, mixing 4 packs of 2-in-1 coffee into 1 cup works abit of a miracle. I m still awake despite so lil' slp. haha. But i shan't study anymore. no mood le. Think tml wake early to revise and that's it. so bloody sick of this week.

Just wanna meet U, U, U, U or..U! ALl of u, any of u. Not Do do do do or do. lol.

"i need a hug"

2:26 AM

~~Wednesday, March 05, 2008~~

Wrecked.

5am in the morn. freezing cold weather. hungry tummy and sleepless nights. Yes, this is how my days were. Ended pract at 12am again. Really had to go. Rushed back to deal with physics. But the brain cells just die away relentlessly as i try to master the art of understanding. Kungfu fighting with malicious looking formulas to little avail.

Feeling scotched, as if been burnt under the glaring hot sun. Terrible. Haven been sleeping well. Eye bags are out, dark circles hovering like no one's business. Pathetic homo sapiens of my kind. haha.

This gonna continue for tml cos i still have pract but need to study for thurs midterm exam...torture. I tHink i wouldn't be able to clock more than 24hrs of slp this whole week. life span shorten by a mile again. *sighs*

Just bear with my groans and whines cos' i need a lil' comfort over here eh.

"gimme more, now tt i want u"

4:36 AM

~~Tuesday, March 04, 2008~~

its always during horrendous tests period then blogger becomes my regular frustrating tank.

skipped maths tut as usual - but this time round, is to study maths. haha. I've got to catch up cos no use gg to tut. 望尘莫及. thur's midterm exam till chap 7, tutorial is at chap 8 i think, and i've only started chap 1. so, today's the day to chiong man. at least read thru my notes. maths is thereotically never hard to me, just need to practice. however, i didn't dedicate time for it, so now it smacked me hard. haha. FYI, i became a loser by S/U-ing my maths this time round, meaning tt i've changed it to a pass/fail subject. 1 yr can only use this option once on 1 sub, and i used it on such a sub tt can be salvaged. lol. with all e events this mth, i have less much of a choice lar...or is tt an escape route?

bia thru the notes, went for lessons, and back. printer was outta ink and so went to JP to get ink + dinner. Reached back hostel later and finally got down to abit more of maths. persisted to read thru it at least so i can pract abit on wed nite be4 thur's paper. hai. BUT BUT BUT...i've got a physics paper on WED. congrats congrats to me. I haven started on physics. hah...But i got a habit to start the lastest sub 1st and study the nearest sub last. Lol. Stubborn, but who cares?

8 chaps of physics. 3am in the morn. can i have the energy to read thru like 4 chaps of it at least? 3 chaps? 2 chaps? i wonder... usually when put in such scenario, years of experience just tells me i only got me alone to save myself. becos why? the world will not stop spinning for me. haha. No matter how prepared or unprepared i m, the papers are set and gonna be beautifully placed on the exam desks waiting for us. haha..diligence helps for survival here man. lessons learnt, but nv prevented, time after time. half-life.

more bravo thing is that, i've got proj meeting tml in the noon. and guitar pract from directly after school till late everyday till thur. and i cannot dun go, cos of many reasons. expectations, conductor, and alot more reasons. i m split in pieces but its just the way it is...

i hope i can pull thru. i noe no matter wad, the days will pass, the events will come. bless myself man! need to be the most optimistic pessimist. tons of coffee and red bull pls. haha. ok, back to study. laters.

3:06 AM

~~Monday, March 03, 2008~~

start of a so-called brand new week soon.

was to meet a gd pal last fri for a movie, but i PS-ed her in the end. Was busy with my stuffs. End up, roomie popped by and ended eating dinner and chatting with her till late on fri. Lugged a whole lot of stuffs back home..i caught the last train, and my last bus..what was i doing. haha..

went to watch dance PP last sat too. having been in NP for so long, it was my watching the dance PP as far as i could remb. Haha..it was nt too bad. and of cos, just in case i didn't mentioned, i actually had a huge tiff with my hostel production crew cos i was to help out but i cant make it for their performance which was on the same day too. And so, i left them, but cos of my dear peeps here, how can i not support.especially when its e last performance for 1 of you...

honestly, i would like to dedicate this small box of words for u. u have brought me into a whole new world of dance era which i would nv have experience if i nv met u. u r an inspiration to me indeed. I noe u r just 1 person when there are millions of pple passionate abt dance as well, but remb, u r 1 special person too. Nvrtheless, it must have taken loads of courage to make this ur last dance, and make such huge decision in ur life. As ur fren, i respect u alot for it...and i hope u can realise ur dreams aite? we dun meet often, but let's dun make it never, yeah? *winks*

after the PP was to hang out with them. But i had to go off 1st to meet Jer awhile. End up that we hung out till quite late thus cant join the dance peeps after. had a long long chat...

anyway, sun came and yeah...tried to do some work but its hard when mum's frens came and havoc at my hse lar..haha..jer came over to slack n do some uni appl stuff till evening.

Went to meet barney at JP before heading to hostel after to pass tix too. thanks barney~~

and now? terrible diarrheao + cough + sore throat for god knows why. power needed to tahan e wk thru.

"i must say i was very much taken aback...with wad we talked abt...i guess pple really do have cross-junctions in life then things start to flow in and we have to make major decisions. no more hiding. i must say i appreciate u for sharing..really...alot. Thank u so for ur honesty...hope things goes the way as well as i painted the picture for ya..."

2:12 AM